Posts

,

6 Ways To Catch A Lie

liar

Do you ever wish you were better at spotting a liar?  Do you have trouble trusting your teen, spouse, or employee? Here’s some info that will help you be a better lie detector!

It takes a lot more mental effort to lie than it does to tell the truth because it’s hard work to remember all the details of the lies. This fact can help us catch a lie if we know what to look for.

Psychologist Jacqueline Evans of the University of Texas and her colleagues developed a set of lie-detecting guidelines that anyone can use.  Here are six cues that, when combined, signal a lie.

  1. Missing Details–A person honestly recounting an event might mention the kind of music playing in the background or the color of the flowers on the table. A liar skips many little details because they are difficult to reconstruct or remember in later renditions.
  2. Claims of Faulty Memory–Liars may claim to have a poor memory, when the truth is that they can’t remember their own lies!
  3. Corrections or Contradictions–Liars often heavily edit their stories as they are retelling them. So pay attention–if this happens frequently enough, you may be hearing a lie.
  4. Effortful Thinking–If it appears the person is putting a lot of effort into coming up with their story, then that is a good indication that you may be hearing a lie.
  5. Nerves or Tension–It takes a great liar, or a psychopath, to pull off a string of falsehoods without looking at least somewhat anxious.
  6. Unusually Slow Speed–Liars often need to take quite a bit longer to tell their stories because they need to self-edit and try to be consistent.

What’s your favorite way to spot a liar?  I would love to hear your comments! You can email me at randy@carepossible.org

Websites:
www.carepossible.org
www.thecrossing.com
www.randymoraitis.com

Special thanks to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PH.D., and Psychology Today 12/14 for this info.

/0 Comments/by

4 Therapy Skills Everyone Can Use

Most people know that hairstylists and bartenders make great amateur therapists. But what are the actual skills one needs to do therapy effectively?

According to licensed psychologist Linda Hatch, PhD, there are four skills that anyone can use to be helpful to someone in a stressful or difficult situation.

Hatch states that effective therapy allows people to notice or get in touch with themselves. Here are the four skills she recommends that anyone can use to help people get in touch with themselves and the reality of their situation.

1. Attending.  When you play a therapeutic role with someone you are giving them your full attention, meaning you are not distracted by some other agenda of your own.  You may have your own motives and needs but they don’t prevent you from listening fully and being fully present.  This is sometimes called attunement or active listening.

2. Reflecting.  Reflecting is essentially letting the person know that you are attending to them and that you understand what they are saying and that you perceive their emotional state.  It is neutral.  Simply reflect back what you see or hear without judgment.

3. Validating.  This involves letting the person know that you genuinely accept them as they are.  It indicates a belief that what they think or feel is not stupid or crazy. That their feelings are real. Once a person feels safe in assuming that their feelings, thoughts or behavior have some kind of logic then it becomes safe for the person to further examine their own inner life.

4. Reframing.  This is a way to help the person see things from a different perspective.  This is why it is hard to do therapy on ourselves.  We get stuck in our own point of view and it takes another person to help us see things in a different light.  This is not just seeing the glass half full or pointing to a silver lining.  It is letting the person see through your eyes the fact that there may be different aspects or outcomes to the problem they face.

Attending, reflecting, validating, and reframing. If you can do these four skills, you can be of useful, therapeutic help to someone in need. At the very least, if you put these skills into practice you will grow in your listening skills.

Now this isn’t a license for everyone to start doing therapy on all the people around them. This is simply an encouragement and acknowledgment that, in the same way everyone should know basic first aid, even if they’re not a doctor, everyone can also know some basic therapy.

Now I encourage you to look for opportunities to apply these four skills!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com.

Websites: www.thecrossing.com, www.carepossible.com and www.randymoraitis.com

/0 Comments/by
,

Free Personality Test–Part 2

By Randy Moraitis, MA, BCPC, CPC

As I mentioned in a previous blog post there are many personality profiles out there–Myers-Briggs, DiSC, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter–most of which are used by prospective employers to determine the best hires for their companies, as well as for pre-marital counseling purposes.

These are all effective at determining personality style, but they take some time and they cost money!

Here is another free personality test that will help you learn more about your personality type and help you understand and communicate better with others.

This test is based on Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ typological approach to understanding personality.

The test is from the website www.humanetrics.com which has a lot of great information to help you grow. The website states that after completing the questionairre you will be able to:

  • Obtain your 4-letter type formula according to Carl Jung’s and Isabel Briggs Myers’ typology, along with the strengths of preferences and the description of your personality type
  • Discover careers and occupations most suitable for your personality type along with examples of educational institutions where you can get a relevant degree or training
  • See which famous personalities share your type
  • Access free career development resources and learn about premium ones
  • Be able to use the results of this test as an input into the Jung Marriage Test™ and the Demo of the Marriage Test™, to assess your compatibility with your long-term romantic partner.

Just click here to take the test, it is free and only takes about 5-10 minutes.

I would love to hear what your type is! You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com.
Websites: www.thecrossing.com, www.carepossible.com and www.randymoraitis.com

/0 Comments/by

FREE PERSONALITY TEST

personality test
There are many personality profiles out there–Myers-Briggs, DiSC, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter–most of which are used by prospective employers to determine the best hires for their companies. These are all effective at determining personality style, but they take some time and they cost money!

There is a lesser known personality profile that is very effective, very fast and easy to take, and it’s free and fun! Here’s a link: personality test

This profile was developed by psychologists Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent. They have divided personalities into four types–Lions, Otters, Golden Retrievers and Beavers. The way they developed this test makes it  fun and easy even for kids to take.

So why should anyone take the test? Because personality tests can be a great tool to help us learn more about ourselves and learn how to communicate more effectively in our relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. For example, if you know their personality style you can:

  • Communicate more effectively with your spouse.
  • Learn how to get a long with that difficult co-worker.
  • Understand how to communicate with your boss in a way that they truly appreciate.
  • Determine the best way to get your child to listen.

Quick Summary of the Four Animal Types:

LION
Strengths: Takes charge, problem solver, competitive.
Weaknesses: Too direct, impatient, and busy. Insensitive to others.

OTTER
Strengths: Optimistic, energetic, motivating, warm and friendly.
Weaknesses: Unrealistic, undisciplined, lacks follow-through.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER
Strengths: Warm and relational, loyal, sensitive to others.
Weaknesses: Poor boundaries, easily hurt, sacrifices own feelings.

BEAVER
Strengths: Accurate and precise. Discerning and analytical.
Weaknesses: Too critical, controlling, or strict.

So which one do you identify with? Most people have a dominant animal type along with a secondary animal type. The healthy person who has worked on themselves over the years will find they have a very well balanced personality reflecting different aspects of all four types.

To have some fun and take the test today, then share it with your family, friends and co-workers. By understanding ourselves and each other, we can all get along better!

I would love to hear what your animal type is! You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com.
Websites: www.carepossible.com and www.randymoraitis.com

/0 Comments/by
,

5 Tips for a Great Marriage

marriage
1. TALK!
It is critical for couples to talk regularly and talk from the heart! As you get to know your spouse better you should grow in learning how and when to best communicate. Be wise and pay attention to what works and what doesn’t. And when you do talk, share your feelings. If you have trouble expressing your emotions, try a feelings chart by clicking here.

2. GRATITUDE!
Having an attitude of gratitude will really change the tone of your marriage. Be sincerely grateful for your spouse, and let them know that you are grateful. Sometimes we get so busy with the daily tasks of life that we take our spouses for granted. Be thankful, then tell your spouse that you are thankful!

3. TEACHABILITY!
Be open minded and mature enough to realize that you may have some new lessons to learn. We are all works in progress that will do best if open to learning and growing through life. Sometimes couple may need a therapist or counselor to teach them the tools and skills needed to grow together through a difficult issue or season.

4. INTIMACY!
There are three types of intimacy that are key to the best marriages–relational intimacy, spiritual intimacy  and sexual intimacy. When you have the first two in place, the third flows more naturally. Be sure to invest in relational intimacy through talks, activities, and date nights. Invest in spiritual intimacy by praying together and attending church together. The closeness you develop through these activities will serve to strengthen your sexual intimacy.

5. DO-OVERS!
Let’s face it, we all make mistakes! Because of this I encourage all married couples to have a rule in their marriage: if they are arguing, one spouse can say, “Let’s start over” and the other agrees.This works great for most day to day marital spats. Obviously more serious issues may require a counselor to help resolve. Bottom line–forgiveness and the willingness to start fresh is key to a healthy marriage. Holding on to resentments only hurts the marriage.

Talk to your spouse, or future spouse, about these five tips. Just having that conversation is a healthy start!

If you have any marriage tips, I’d love to hear them. You can email me at randy@randymoraitis.com. Websites: www.carepossible.org and www.randymoraitis.com.

/0 Comments/by
,

The 5 Love Languages

five_love_languages

By Randy Moraitis, MA, BCPC, CPC

What if there was a way for you to know how to have better relationships? A way to better understand yourself and a way to better understand your partner? Wouldn’t that be great? Well guess what? There is!

It is the New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. This classic book is a favorite of pre-marital counselors and marriage counselors because the information it contains is helpful to any relationship. In fact it has been translated to more than 40 languages and has helped people around the world.

The premise of the book is that although there are many ways we can show our love to others, there are five “love languages” that are universal. Dr. Chapman states that we all have a love language and we can all relate primarily to one of these five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3.  Receiving Gifts
4.  Acts of Service
5.  Physical Touch

The book describes the different love languages in detail to help you understand both your primary love languages, as well as your partners. There is even an assessment in the book that will determine your primary and secondary love languages.

Why is this important? As a counselor I often work with couples who do not really understand their partners. They spend a lot of energy trying to show love to their partner, but it is usually in their own love language, not their partners. This ends up being wasted time and energy that only leads to frustration for both parties.

As an example, I once worked with a couple who just weren’t connecting. The husband was confused and frustrated. He came home from work every day and did a lot of housework thinking he was showing his love to his wife. He thought this way because his “love language” was acts of service. However, his wife’s love language was quality time. She just wanted his time and attention; she didn’t care about him mopping the floor, so she felt unloved and she let him know it!

They were not connecting because they were not speaking the right language to each other. Once they learned about their love languages, they were able to express their love to each other in ways that really led to deeper and more fulfilling connection.

How about you? Do you know your love language? And more importantly, do you know your partner’s love language? If not, I highly recommend you read The 5 Love Languages. A little education and a little effort can go a long way towards improving your relationship and transforming your life!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. If you have any questions or comments, please send them to randy@randymoraitis.com.

Website: www.randymoraitis.com or www.thecrossing.com.

/0 Comments/by
,

3 Quick Tips for Step-families During the Holidays

christmas family

By Randy Moraitis, MA, CIP, BCPC

The holidays are rapidly approaching and most of us have this ideal image of how we want our family lives to be full of joy and peace during this special time of year. This ideal is challenging enough in traditional family systems, but for those who are in a step-family system peace during the holidays can seem like an unattainable fantasy.

These days almost everyone is somehow connected to a step-family system whether in our own home or in the home of our relatives. You may have step-kids, step-grandchildren, step-nieces or nephews, or even get a new step-parent once you are already an adult if one of your parents remarries. If so, then you are
part of what’s called a step-family system.

Step-family systems can be very challenging. Step-families are often referred to as blended families because the hope is to blend two families together. The term “blended family” can be a little misleading as it implies that the two families blend together quickly like a smoothie in your kitchen blender.

The reality is that life in a step-family is more like using a crock-pot, than a blender. In a crock-pot it takes a long, slow time for something to cook. Step-families can take some time to get to a place of peace and harmony in the home.

Here are three quick tips to help step-families get on a healthy path during the holidays. Whether you are part of a step family system, or are someone who works with kids and families, these are great tips for you to know, share, and apply to make our families happier and healthier.

1. Have Extra Grace—The first rule of step-families is to have extra grace! That means to be more
forgiving on a daily basis. There are so many stressful issues inherent in step-families that it is imperative for step-family members to have an overall attitude of extra grace in their homes.

The parents must decide to create a culture of extra grace in their home, and then teach it to their children. And the parents must model the extra grace rule. It is very common that your step children will get under your skin faster and more frequently than your biological children. When you are aware of that tendency, it is easier to control it and exercise grace. A home filled with extra grace is a home where families can begin to blend together in a healthy way.

2. Discipline with Wisdom—In a step family system, discipline dispensed with wisdom goes a long way towards creating the best possible family environment. When step-parents discipline their step-child, this creates a great deal of resentment that may fester over time, be very difficult to overcome, and be a drain on the peace and harmony in the home.

When a child misbehaves and discipline is necessary both parents should discuss the situation and come to an agreement on the proper course of action behind closed doors. They then address the child with the biological parent stating what the discipline is, and the step-parent standing right behind the biological parent showing their support for the decision and their spouse.

Quick example: Billy, who lives with his stepdad and biological mom, stays out thirty minutes past curfew. Step-dad thinks Billy should be grounded for two weeks; mom thinks Billy should lose his cellphone
for a day. Stepdad and mom need to discuss, and perhaps compromise a little, on the course of action, but they have to do it behind closed doors or else Billy will try to divide and conquer if he sees them arguing. Once the decision is made, mom and stepdad approach Billy, with Mom in front doing the talking and
stepdad standing right behind her. Mom lays down the law and stepdad shows his strong support for her.

3. Create New Family Traditions—When two families come together each one has had family traditions in their past that are so important and dear to their hearts. While it is important to honor and respect those past traditions, it is wise to start some new family traditions that are unique to the new blended family.

New family traditions can include family movie nights, family game nights, or a new sport or other activity. And of course the holidays are a great time to start a new family tradition. Some new decorations, a special meal, attending a Christmas Eve service, a snow day, there are numerous possibilities. Be creative and have fun with it…you may be starting something that will last for generations!Happy Holidays to you and your family!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. If you have any questions or comments, please send them to randy@randymoraitis.com or call 949-303-8264.
Websites: www.carepossible.org, www.randymoraitis.com.

About Randy Moraitis
Randy is married to Kim and they live in Laguna Niguel. Together they have a blended family of five adult children and three beautiful grandchildren. (If you don’t believe Randy he will gladly show you pictures!) Randy is a Certified Intervention Professional (CIP) and expert in helping families affected by addiction and/or mental health issues. He is a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and is both licensed and ordained as a pastoral counselor. He has five professional coaching certifications and loves working with clients on executive coaching, life coaching, wellness coaching and recovery coaching. Randy has a master’s degree with emphasis in theology and counseling, a bachelors degree in management and leadership, and a certificate in health and fitness with emphasis in exercise physiology and sports psychology from UC Irvine. He has been helping groups, individuals and families get mentally, physically and spiritually healthy in Orange County for over 25 years.

/0 Comments/by